Thursday, Nov 19 2009

7:30 PM

Hey, hey, I got something to say... to you, people who rhyme your political statements. Rhyming your message does not increase its poignancy or effectiveness, nor does it make you seem clever.

You know who else is good at rhyming things that don't need to rhyme? TV jingle writers. A challenge: name me one famous TV jingle writer. Can't do it? That's because TV jingle writers don't want you to know who they are. They are ashamed of their profession, and you should be ashamed of yourself, too.

Yes, anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of the Bible is well aware of the fact that it was "Adam and Eve" and not, as you seem to believe some are claiming, "Adam and Steve." Duh, there wasn't anyone named Stephen in the Bible until the New Testament, and he would totally flip out when you called him "Steve." So much so, in fact, that everybody in town got really fed up with him being such a shit when they were just trying to be friendly that they all got together and threw rocks at his head until he died. Or something like that.

Maybe I'm a bit out of line here though. Musicians and rappers (yes they are two distinct groups) are great at rhyming words, and tons of people are interested by their political views and opinions. Tons of 14-year-olds, idiots, 14-year-old idiots, and the soulless production staff of Entertainment Tonight.

-Sideburns

Comment!

Tuesday, Nov 9 2009

6:30 PM

All right, you guys aren't gonna believe this. These are 100% REAL personal ads that I just made up. Check it out.

Seasoned chemically-inundated abomination seeks lifemate or live-in nurse.
Must be willing to scratch the back of my head and wipe my butt.

Late-80s to mid-90s toys enthusiast seeks partner for nostalgic roleplay/actual play. Favorites include moon shoes, Gak, and (duh!) sock'em boppers, lol! YOU MUST BRING YOUR OWN TOYS. YOU CANNOT PLAY WITH MINE.

{This user has locked their profile due to too many requests}

Cyborg Oprah returned from the future seeks to warn Oprah not to get that "last little bit" of plastic surgery. IT WILL NOT TURN OUT WELL FOR HER OR THE HUMAN RACE. Oprah, if you read this, please contact me IMMEDIATELY.

-Sideburns

Comment!

Monday, Nov 2

6:30 PM

I will kill someone for money. Only one of a wide variety of things I am willing to do for money.

And not even a lot of money. In fact fuck all it doesn’t even have to be money, after all prosecutors are used to proving that someone killed for money but what jury is going to believe I murdered your brother for three capuchin monkeys? It’s hard to draw up a price list for things like this but I’ll take exotic pets (preferably monkeys), used cars, Caribbean cruise tickets for a room with a balcony, old school arcade games, and many more.

People are all like “Oh man I sure do hate my wife/husband but I feel trapped by the relationships I’ve formed with her/his family and the habits we have developed, to say nothing of the financial and legal difficulties in extricating myself from her/him. There’s got to be a better way!”

Or sometimes they say “Gah! I can’t get a job that I like and my parents are pressuring me to do so rapidly however as a member of a generation which seems to be late in coming into adulthood these issues are difficult to confront both personally and socially. If only there were some way to obtain all the property belonging to my elder family members quickly and without feeling like a leach or having to ask for it?”

Or sometimes they feel betrayed and are able to target their rage but unable to lash out due to being physically weak or constrained by fear of imprisonment.

But mostly there are people who need to be killed. You totally know someone who the world would be better off without, not to mention any personal windfalls that could occur in their post mortem.

My qualifications:
•I am remorseless and will not get cold feet at the last minute. Nor will I have a crisis of conscience and confess later on.
•I will not fall in love with the target while doing the pre-kill scouting work.
•I will not accept counter offers from the target to double cross you, even if I fell in love with them during the pre-kill scouting work.
•I am fast acting, you can expect to hear back from me within four months or I will refund your fee in full.
•I am the kind of guy who stays awake all the time and thinks about how to kill people in a way so genius that the CSI team couldn’t find me. Much less Sheriff Huckles and Detective Chuckles.
•I am kinda twisted and would be willing to torment the target in any way you want so long as it won’t get me caught. In fact if you don’t want me to kill them at all I could just sneak into their room when they're asleep, tie them down cut off their hand and then mail it to them 3 years later with a note that says “I knew I could count on you to lend me a hand."
•I have a boat and would be happy to feed your ex to a sea creature of your choice.
•I am really just doing this because I believe that the world has too many people in it so because I believe in what I’m selling I’m willing to work cheap.

Also I am mildly sociopathic so once I get started I’m going to be kind of cheesed that you have dirt on me and start planning to kill you. Unless I fell in love with you.

-Cigarettes

6:45 PM

His e-mail address is on the contact page, folks.

-Sideburns

Comment!

"There isn't anything you can do to make this better," she said.
"Sure I can, I just have to use the power of positive thinking," I replied.
"That's exactly what I fucking mean, John! Every sentence you say is the title of a self-help book! It's annoying as hell!"
"You're just jealous because I know how to win friends and influence people."
"But you don't, you've never even read that book! You just read some top 50 list on the internet! Go ahead and name me just one of the seven habits of highly effective people."
"Um...self-reliance?"
"No, that's an essay by Emerson."
"I guess men are from mar-"
"Finish that sentence and I swear you'll die in a fire."