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Monday, Dec 21 2009 5:45 PM
Kids should be allowed to smoke all they want. Who the fuck are you to disagree? Do you see the future? Do you know how it’s all going to end and that life for everyone would be better if kids didn’t smoke? Maybe God talks to you and told you to keep kids from smoking? Did he say anything else about how to solve real problems or did he just give you a magic stamp that you can put on all your horseshit opinions like any kid ever is going to give a fuck about you or god? Did you drag your pants tearingly huge balls to the top of Laoshan and attain enlightenment, but as it turned out all your views were already perfectly in line with the Tao, so you came down the same mouth breathing creature with the body of a man and the soul of a pig? No. I didn’t think so. So quit hiding your secret fantasy of bossing everyone around behind the pathetic veil of protecting children. We already know you think you’re smarter than anyone else by the fact that you’re leasing a Mercedes but I could have done without knowing that controlling others makes your nips get stiff (seriously this person got aroused telling me about all the new rules they would make if they could). Would be paternalistic/maternalistic dictators like you make me want to paint half my face blue and drive a truck back and forth over your pelvis until I burn out the clutch. People like you are why you can’t bring cookies to school unless you bought them at the store (and paid sales tax) and brought the receipt. If someone was going to bring food poisoned cookies to school don’t you think that the massive parentally delivered beat down would be enough punishment? If a kid wanted to smoke don’t you think he would eventually get around to reading the surgeon general's warning? Its not going to make your life any worse one way or the other. Even if you were right and smoking did end up killing Tessie McEverygirl I seriously doubt the world is going to be any worse off for having let her make her own choices. If kids want to smoke then that’s what they should do. If you want to say that they shouldn’t then that’s what you should do. But don’t pretend for a single fucking second that you actually know. And remember that since you don’t know, you don’t have the right to try and make ANYONE do ANYTHING. -Cigarettes Saturday, Dec 19 2009 3:00 AM
Seriously, though, I'm tired of everyone I meet not only having an opinion on why I'm coughing and what I should do about it, but feeling compelled to share it with me. I did not pay you for your opinion, which means you are not a doctor (because I don't know any doctors). Yeah, I know that cough doesn't sound good. The sound came out of my fucking head. That doesn't mean I want to hear about your two-and-a-half-rolaids, mushroom-shavings, ground-up-mice-droppings, asparagus-but-only-the-tip-part-of-it, baking-soda, pig-rectum tea and don't forget to get your mom's brother (it has to be your MOM'S or it won't work) to pee in it or it'll only be half as good. Really, these home remedies seem less and less like actual attempts to cure the disease or even treat the symptoms and more and more like somebody just trying to get you to drink the most disgusting concoction they can come up with so they can tape you spitting it out like you're on a bad sitcom and put the video on YouTube. "Probably just the flu," you say? Well, here's a short list of just a few diseases that have flu-like symptoms: -Food poisoning -Lyme diseases -Viral hepatitis -Lymphoma -Leukemia -Early HIV That's right, if I listen to you, I could die of AIDS. I don't want your opinion unless it cost me a copay of 35 dollars and an uncomfortable 20 seconds with my pants off. Mom, you're an exception. I know you're always right. And everyone should know their mom is, too. -Sideburns Thursday, Dec 17 2009 12:30 AM
I’m often accused of not really believing in anything because I’ll do everything it takes to win. I believe in winning. “But what if I’m losing?” Well that’s a bad strategy son winning works for me so that’s what I do. But everyone always thinks they’re right. Sometimes they are and their actions work, sometimes they aren’t and things go pear-shaped. But all the while they think they’re right. Even after reality has shown them how wrong they are some people will blame others or bad circumstances. That’s just a way for people with deep double vaginas to comfort themselves for not having been smart enough. Recently however someone pulled a new trick on me. I was explaining exactly how wrong they were. It had gotten to that point where he was on the defensive: “I think I’d need to look that up before I believe you… I’m gonna have to find where I read this piece of counter evidence and bring it next week.” That kind of weaseling crap is a sure fire way to tell everyone that you’re pubes are turning gray. Any way as a final retreat he tells me, without looking me in the eyes, that he doesn’t follow me. (Tzun Tzu says that when your enemy is on the retreat it’s time to put on your rape face) so I ask him “what don’t you get?” and he tells me “I don’t think anything can be communicated anyway, people just can’t really transfer information to one another. This argument is a perfect example of how two people can never understand one another.” Now I’ve read Nietzsche, I know where he’s going with this. “So where did you read that?” “Nietzsche.” “So you got that Idea from him, He communicated it to you?” I had my teeth out at this point and he knew I wasn’t going to let him walk away from this. “And everything else you know, all your other beliefs? Where did they come from? Who gave them to you with fancy words so you can feel good about having understood the flavor of truth that tastes best to you?” “Shit.” “Try harder.” With all the dignity of a turtle on its back he opens his biggest and least useful face hole and says the most sickening thing I’ve heard a college grad ever say “I guess I never learned anything from anyone. Everything I believe and know existed inside me and reading about it just gave those things form.” That. Right there. Is what is wrong with the world. “You are the most arrogant skin wrapped shit burrito I’ve met all year. You were born with all knowledge inside you? I fucking bet you were. In fact I’m guessing everything you’ll ever know is exactly what you knew when your mom’s uterus had enough of your pompous ass and spit you out to die. I’ll bet you are just so full of wisdom that the only thing left for you to learn is that your real parents are named Yahweh and Mary. How many girls did you try to impress with the fact that you were a real nihilist who had read one whole book about it? I guess the experience of rejection gave form to the idea of being a virgin forever?” Now I should tell you gentle reader that we had been having this entire debate in front of a couple of people (what’s the point of winning if no one’s around to see it?) who, by way of slight distractions and slight ignorance, might have been struggling a little to keep up but after I called him a skin wrapped shit burrito they started laughing and it was clear who they thought the winner was. And that is the true story of how I convinced three people that I was right and one person that I was a jackass. The moral is that you can’t usually convince your enemy they’re wrong but through clever insults you can make sure everyone else knows that they were. -Cigarettes Wednesday, Dec 16 2009 3:00 AM
Baby sloth not rescued - "It was never in any danger," say authorities. Or, local man not honored. Mom gets life for not murdering son - You'd understand if you'd met the little bastard. Evangelist Oral Roberts not dead at 91 - Seriously, Oral Roberts, what is taking so long? '30 Rock' actor does not need kidney - I just wish I could draw, so I could draw Alec Baldwin ripping out his kidneys and throwing them away screaming insanely about how he didn't need them because he's too much of a man. Dogs trained to not sniff out explosives - "We want our money back," say police. Rare Look at Special Ops not in Afghanistan - Considering the clandestine nature of most Special Ops, I feel this is just how the title should read normally. Environmentalists don't gather for protest - "I'm kind of tired," one member of Green Peace was quoted as saying. "Can we do this tomorrow?" -Sideburns Tuesday, Dec 8 2009 11:30 PM
Me: You have a weird way of showing it. Girl: What? (momentarily drops pretentions and assumes the expression of a cow) Me: Yeah everything you do is terrible for animals… and the environment. Girl: Hahaha… what? Me: Yeah your two cats would be better off dead than cooped up in a two room apartment for their entire lives while you force them to breath in clouds of second-hand weed smoke. Girl: Well I feed some outside cats. Maybe I should make them outside cats? Me: That’s pretty brutal. Sponsoring predators. I wonder how many birds and insects they unnecessarily kill because you keep them fed? How many native species starve to death because your cats are better fed and can use that energy to hunt more often. I wonder how much gas gets burned on your trips to get cat litter and cat food? And to manufacture, package, market, ship and stock all that? Also how good for the environment are the hundreds of pounds of cat shit and cat related garbage you ship off to the local landfill? Think any of it ends up seeping into the water table? Girl: that’s just what cats do, it’s natural. Me: Totally but what you do isn’t. Also your cats are an invasive species so no matter what they do it’s bad for the environment. Girl: Well I guess I love my cats because they love me. Me: Your cats can’t love anything, you’re projecting. Cats like food because they are animals and you cut out their sex organs and that only leaves them with one thing in life. But let’s not go there. You seem to think you own these cats, If you do you’re abusing them by smoking around them or violating local leash laws which have the support of the general public, PETA and the ASPCA. If you don’t own them then you’re just ruining the environment. Girl: It's my right to own a pet if I want. Me: I'm with you there. Everyone should be able to purchase things that they don't need and then torment them at the expense of the entire world just to make themselves feel loved. There. Now that I’ve got that written down I can just give girls a link instead of having this conversation ONE BILLION FUCKING TIMES. I would be remiss to exclude the following. Your cat either steps in its own shit and piss or steps in litter that has touched shit and piss and then jumps all over everything you own. Your cat also spreads a non curable amoeboid parasite known as toxsoplasma gondii which is known to alter human behavior. The only responsible way to own a cat is if you have it's sex organs cut out and you live on a fucking farm. -Cigarettes 11:45 PM
I know I just used it, but in this very instant I have developed a burning hatred for the phrase "dog person." This is because as I typed it, this is the image that sprang to mind:
...well, maybe not that image exactly, but that Klingon dude has the right idea. Fucking furries. -Sideburns |
(C) 2009 Sideburns and Cigarettes
Today someone told me that smoking was bad and that kids shouldn’t smoke. This alone is fine with me. However they went on to say that I was a bad person for letting kids smoke and that they wouldn’t let kids smoke. This, my friends, is just what Satan wants you to think.
Hey, could everybody stop pretending they're doctors for a minute? While you're at it, stop pretending you're doctors forever.