Thursday, Feb 4 2010

2:00 AM

I felt like the last article might have been a little heavy, so I thought I'd lighten the mood with a bit of trashy literature. So, dear readers, I present to you:

THE BEST DAY EVER

By Sideburns

So I woke up this morning having drunk myself into a stupor because my mom had said I was adopted and she never really loved me, but I wasn't even hung over! So I said to myself, "Sideburns, you're going to make today the best day ever!"

As anyone with half a brain can tell you, anyone who starts their day off with a nice cup of coffee is disgusting and likes drinking dishwater. So I went to the convenience store to buy myself a Coke because Coke is good and has caffeine and sugar already in it and I don't have to put a bunch of crap in it to make it taste halfway decent. Anyway, I walked back outside after I got my Coke and decided to set out for adventure.

I decided to head West because only an idiot starts out on an adventure driving with the sun in his eyes. I was so excited to get to adventure that I didn't realize I was going 100 mph and I slightly lost control and hit a guy walking on the shoulder, knocking him about 100 feet and out of sight in a ditch on the side of the road.

So of course I slammed on the brakes and came to a stop, but not before a cop had noticed me and pulled up beside me. I was sure he was going to bust me for reckless driving and failure to maintain control and maybe you know like murder or something but instead he just asked "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

So overcome with relief was I that I forgot where I was for a moment, look the cop dead in the face, put a stupid-ass cheek-to-cheek grin on my face and yelled out "That's what she said!" I was slightly horrified and what I had done but the cop burst out laughing and didn't stop, he just walked back towards his car hunched over with laughter and sped off.

Still slightly incredulous at what had happened, I was somewhat slow to remember the man in the ditch, but as soon as I did I ran over to him to make sure he was dead... I mean okay.

"Hey man! You dead? I mean you okay?" I said."

"Hnnnghgaaaa!"

"Oh, good. You're a zombie." But he wasn't just any zombie, he was the zombie of late gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson.

"Hurrrmmmnnng."

"What's that, zombie Hunter S. Thompson? You want to thank me for finally ending your drug-induced cursed soulless existence?"

"Mrrrrm," he said, handing me a crumpled piece of ancient parchment.

"You know of an artifact of great power, and this will show me the way? Thanks zombie Hunter S. Thompson!"

"Thppt." ...and then he was gone."

So, after checking the map, I continued West, to find the artifact of great power that had been placed in my path.

TO BE CONTINUED

-Sideburns