Friday, Feb 5 2010

6:30 PM

I do not like to be treated as a lesser. But like many of you I have a job for which I am paid reasonably which requires me oft times to put up with people who would do just such a thing, at least when people walk in to the store they think I have to put up with them. In fact I can say and do just about anything I want.

Today a man with what we could call an “attitude” deigned to grace me with his presence. I won’t bore you with details but it started with his caustic self entitled attitude and ended a little like this:

“I’m sorry sir we don’t take checks.”

“You don’t take checks from black people? Why didn’t you say so?” He pulled an American express card out of his wallet (the silver kind that they send pre-approved to your dog if you paid one vet bill on time) and threw it on the counter. The first rule of hurting people is to plan ahead and make sure they can’t get away so I picked it up.

“No that’s not it sir, we don’t take checks from ugly men. You see I’d have to check your ID and looking at one of your face enough to make me feel ill I don’t think I could bare to see two of them at once…” the second rule of hurting people is deceptively difficult, HURT them, the way they were hurt by big Willy Tanner the school yard bully.

“I don’t…”

“EXCUSE ME! I DO!” I shouted, just to be contradictory. “You don’t interrupt me.” I was still holding his precious AMEX, which we also don’t take, “I wasn’t done telling you about your gut and your terrible choice of khaki and black with a white undershirt. But I don’t think I’ve got time because It’s going to take me a while to take in all those acne scars. You’re what 49? Did you go through puberty after your second failed marriage?” He was 40 at a stretch but like I said, where it hurts. He was trying to talk back to me but it wasn’t working, no one could hear him, least of all me. Most people have a mental block that keeps them from lifting cars or shouting in public. I do not, this is what lets me follow the third rule of hurting people, do not give them the opportunity to do anything that would make them feel better about themselves. At this point I flashed his card at him and was walking around the cash register to the front door. “You realize that you have to get other people drunk for you to look good right? It doesn’t help if you drink it all yourself. It’s just a shame that you’ll always be ugly on the inside.” So I was standing by the door at this point holding it open with one hand and he’s coming at me “Oh did you drop something on my counter? Normally people hand these to me. Come here and get it.” Once he was within about three feet I flipped it out the door and in a stroke of luck it sailed through the air and landed well underneath a parked car. That is the last rule of hurting people (that I just made up) make them do something that they don’t want to do. Remember when Willy Tanner made you eat dirt? Yeah something like that.

At this point this guy was ON FIRE with rage. Like steam pouring out the ears teeth shatteringly cheesed off. I could tell he wanted to hit me.

“You wanna punch me? You got something to back up that smart mouth of yours.” I think the concept of actually going to blows with me snapped him out of it as he hurried out the door, which I was no longer holding open. But just as he was beyond the swing of the door I stepped back out because the real last rule of hurting people is to kick them when they're down (would little Willy Tanner really have been satisfied just making you eat dirt?) “Make sure to tell all your friends not to come here. Oh nobody wants to be friends with you!” he turned to shout some vauge threat about suing me but the door had already begun to shut.

-Cigarettes